Part 2: Restraining Orders Are Not Un-Christian: When Legal Protection Honors God
Recently, a major evangelical church made headlines when multiple women revealed that church leaders told them getting restraining orders would be “un-Christian,” according to reporting by Christianity Today.¹ One victim shared how pastors even filed legal declarations supporting her abuser in court. She described hitting “subzero spiritually,” thinking, “If God is real but we’re supposed to submit to church leaders when this is going on, I’d rather die.”
¹ Kate Shellnutt, “Grace Community Church Elder Calls Out ‘Awful Patterns’ in Biblical Counseling,” Christianity Today, February 9, 2023. See also “Despite Documented Evidence of Fault, Grace Community Church Calls Christianity Today Report ‘Lies,'” Church Leaders, February 13, 2023.
Let me be clear: Telling a victim that seeking a restraining order is un-Christian is theological malpractice that endangers lives and blasphemes God’s character.
This is Part 2 of “Sacred and Civil,” addressing the spiritual abuse that masquerades as biblical counseling in too many churches. If calling 911 isn’t a lack of faith (Part 1), then neither is getting legal protection from an oppressor.
Wise and Biblically Consistent Limitations Are Not Sinful
Scripture is filled with God’s people establishing protective limitations. Consider:
“Then they said, ‘Come, let us build ourselves a city, with a tower that reaches to the heavens…’ But the Lord scattered them…” — Genesis 11:4,8
Wait—that’s Babel. Let me try again.
“By faith the walls of Jericho fell…” — Hebrews 11:30
No, God tore those walls down. One more time.
“Therefore, this is what the Lord says: ‘I will return to Jerusalem with mercy, and there my house will be rebuilt…and the measuring line will be stretched out over Jerusalem.'” — Zechariah 1:16
God Himself ordained the rebuilding of Jerusalem’s protective walls. Nehemiah wasn’t lacking faith when he posted guards and rebuilt defenses (Nehemiah 4:9). He was exercising wisdom.
Here’s a truth worth memorizing: Restraining orders are simply wise and biblically consistent limitations cast in legal terms rather than stone walls.
Jesus Himself Maintained Protective Limitations
Our Lord repeatedly withdrew from those who sought to harm Him:
“But they were furious and began to discuss with one another what they might do to Jesus. One of those days Jesus went out to a mountainside to pray…” — Luke 6:11-12
“At this, they picked up stones to stone him, but Jesus hid himself, slipping away from the temple grounds.” — John 8:59
“Again they tried to seize him, but he escaped their grasp.” — John 10:39
Jesus didn’t submit to violence until His appointed hour. He maintained wise limitations. He withdrew from the threat. He “escaped their grasp.” If the sinless Son of God created protective distance from those who threatened Him with words or stones, how dare we tell victims they can’t?
Legal Protection Is Not Revenge
Some pastors twist Romans 12:19 (“Do not take revenge…leave room for God’s wrath”) to condemn restraining orders. This reveals dangerous biblical illiteracy.
A restraining order is not revenge—it’s refuge. Consider the differences:
- Revenge says: “I will make you pay for what you did.”
- Protection says: “I will not let you do it again.”
- Revenge seeks: To inflict suffering.
- Protection seeks: To prevent suffering.
- Revenge looks: Backward in retaliation.
- Protection looks: Forward in wisdom.
Getting a restraining order is precisely “leaving room for God’s wrath” by involving the authorities He ordained (Romans 13:4). When you get a restraining order, you’re not taking justice into your own hands; you’re placing it into God’s appointed hands.
“But Wives Should Win Husbands Without a Word” – Misusing 1 Peter 3
Perhaps the most insidious manipulation against wives seeking protection comes from 1 Peter 3:1-2:
“Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.”
“Just be quiet and submissive,” they counsel. “Your godly behavior will change him. Getting a restraining order is the opposite of winning him without a word—it’s taking loud, public, legal action.”
This interpretation is theological malpractice for multiple reasons:
First, context matters. Peter addresses wives married to unbelieving husbands in the Roman Empire—not violent oppressors. The phrase “if any do not believe the word” refers to the gospel, not to men who reject basic human decency through violence.
Second, “without a word” doesn’t mean “without protection.” The Greek word is “logos”—it means without preaching or argumentation about the gospel. It doesn’t mean suffering in silence while being terrorized. Peter is discussing evangelism methods, not safety protocols.
Third, Peter himself fled from violence. This is the same apostle who fled Jerusalem when Herod sought to kill him (Acts 12). Did Peter lack faith when angels helped him escape prison? Did he sin by not staying to “win over” his persecutors?
Fourth, submission never includes enabling sin. Biblical submission is to godly leadership, not to ungodly oppression. A wife getting a restraining order against violence isn’t being unsubmissive—she’s refusing to submit to evil, which Scripture commands (James 4:7).
Here’s a simple truth: A woman who gets a restraining order may be the most powerful witness to her husband. She’s declaring that sin has consequences, that God’s image-bearers deserve protection, and that violence will not be aided and abetted in God’s name.
The silence Peter describes is about not nagging about faith, not about being silent about violence.
“Turn the Other Cheek” Doesn’t Mean “Offer Your Child’s Cheek”
Jesus said, “If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also” (Matthew 5:39). Pastors who weaponize this verse against abuse victims should note several things:
- A slap on the right cheek was a social insult, not domestic violence. In that culture, it was a backhanded slap of contempt, not a beating.
- Jesus spoke of public dishonor, not criminal assault or verbal violence. He was addressing revenge for insults, not safety from ongoing oppression.
- Verbal violence that terrorizes is not mere insult—it’s psychological torture. There’s a difference between an offensive comment and a sustained verbal assault that destroys the soul.
- This was about YOUR cheek, not your children’s. You have no biblical right to offer your children’s bodies or minds to an abuser.
- Jesus Himself didn’t always turn the other cheek. When struck at His trial, He responded, “If I said something wrong, testify as to what is wrong. But if I spoke the truth, why did you strike me?” (John 18:23)
Turning the other cheek means refusing personal retaliation for insults, not enabling criminal violence—whether physical or verbal.
“Love Your Enemies” Doesn’t Mean “Empower Your Enemies”
Yes, Jesus commands us to love our enemies (Matthew 5:44). But biblical love seeks the highest good of another—and allowing someone to continue in violence unchecked is not love.
Love for an abuser means:
- Allowing them to face consequences that might produce repentance
- Refusing to enable their sin
- Protecting them from escalating to worse violence
- Preventing them from destroying more souls with their words
- Praying for their genuine transformation
Cheap sentimentality that calls itself “love” while enabling violence—verbal or physical—is not biblical love. It is cowardice dressed in religious language.
Biblical Womanhood Includes Protective Wisdom
The “excellent wife” of Proverbs 31 is often twisted into a doormat who endures anything. But read what the text actually says:
“She is clothed with strength and dignity…” (v. 25)
“She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.” (v. 26)
“She watches over the affairs of her household…” (v. 27)
This woman actively protects her household’s well-being. She exercises wisdom. She maintains dignity. She makes decisions with strength, not fear. Her husband trusts her judgment completely (v. 11).
“Watching over the affairs of her household” includes protecting it from violence. A woman seeking legal protection exhibits these same biblical qualities—wisdom, strength, protective care. She’s not being unsubmissive; she’s being a wise steward of the lives under her care.
Nothing in Proverbs 31 suggests that tolerating violence is virtuous. The text portrays a woman of action, judgment, and protective strength. Biblical womanhood has never meant being a punching bag, neither physical nor verbal. It means exercising wisdom and strength to protect what God has entrusted to you.
When a woman gets a restraining order to protect herself and her children, she IS watching over the affairs of her household by refusing to let violence reign in it.
When Churches Side with Abusers in Court
Perhaps most grievous is when church leaders actively support abusers against victims in legal proceedings. They file declarations. They testify for perpetrators. They become character witnesses for wolves.
This is not neutral. This is not pastoral care. This is choosing sides—and they’re choosing the side of oppression.
When church leaders stand in court supporting an abuser, they:
- Bear false witness (Exodus 20:16)
- Pervert justice (Deuteronomy 16:19)
- Join hands with the wicked (Proverbs 11:21)
- Make themselves accomplices to violence
Pastors who file legal documents supporting abusers have blood on their hands—metaphorically now, potentially literally later. In fact, we have been involved in several cases where that became the outcome, and the abuser escalated his violence to the point of homicide.
God’s Heart for Legal Protection
Throughout Scripture, God establishes legal protections for the vulnerable:
“Do not move an ancient boundary stone or encroach on the fields of the fatherless, for their Defender is strong; he will take up their case against you.” — Proverbs 23:10-11
Notice: God Himself “takes up their case”—legal language for divine legal protection.
“Learn to do right; seek justice. Defend the oppressed.” — Isaiah 1:17
The Hebrew word for “defend” here is a legal term. God commands legal advocacy for the oppressed.
A restraining order is simply modern language for an ancient biblical principle: legal protection for the vulnerable.
The Deadly Consequences of “Un-Christian” Counsel
When churches tell victims that restraining orders are “un-Christian,” they:
- Increase danger during the most lethal time (separation)
- Remove legal recourse when violence escalates
- Enable stalking and harassment
- Eliminate evidence trails for future protection
- Participate in the oppression
- Ignore that verbal violence often precedes physical violence
Statistics show that women are most likely to be murdered when leaving an abuser. Verbal threats often escalate to physical violence when the victim seeks freedom. Denying them legal protection isn’t just bad theology; it is potentially lethal counsel.
Remember: The victim who seeks protection from “just words” may be preventing those words from becoming fists—or worse.
What “Un-Christian” Really Looks Like
You want to know what’s truly “un-Christian”? Here’s a brief list:
- Protecting oppressors while exposing victims to harm
- Dismissing verbal violence as “just words” when words can destroy souls
- Valuing marriage certificates over image-bearers
- Calling evil good and good evil
- Siding with the powerful against the powerless
- Substituting church authority for civil law
- Enabling violence through religious manipulation
The real blasphemy is telling someone that God wants them unprotected from violence, whether that violence comes through fists or words.
Soli Deo Glori
A Pastor’s Guide to Supporting Restraining Order Requests
When a victim needs legal protection:
1. Affirm Their Right to Safety
- Validate their decision to seek protection
- Never dismiss verbal violence as “not real abuse”
- Never question their “Christian witness”
- Do not demand to “hear his side first”—his violence was his testimony
- Remember: Legal protection is biblical wisdom, not a lack of faith
2. Offer Practical Support
- Provide information about local resources
- Offer to accompany them to court if appropriate
- Never pressure them to reconsider
- Remember: Your job is to support, not second-guess
3. Maintain Proper Limitations
- Do not contact the restrained party on the victim’s behalf
- Do not attempt mediation that violates the order
- Do not share the victim’s location or information
- Remember: Violating protective orders is illegal—for you too
4. Never Testify for the Abuser
- Refuse to provide character references for perpetrators
- Do not file declarations supporting abusers
- If subpoenaed, tell the truth about what you know
- Remember: Supporting oppressors makes you an accomplice
5. Address It Theologically
- Teach that wise limitations are biblical
- Clarify that protection is not revenge
- Affirm that safety honors God
- Remember: God is a defender, not an enabler
To the Woman Considering a Restraining Order
Sister, if you’re reading this while hiding your phone, wondering if seeking legal protection makes you a “bad Christian,” hear this clearly:
Getting a restraining order may be the most faithful thing you can do.
Maybe he hasn’t hit you yet. Maybe it’s “just” screaming, threats, destroying things, punching walls. Maybe it’s the terror in your children’s eyes when his car pulls in. Verbal violence is still violence. Psychological terrorism is still terrorism. You don’t need visible bruises to deserve protection.
It demonstrates:
- Faith in God’s provision through law
- Wisdom in recognizing danger
- Courage to protect yourself and your children
- Stewardship of the life God gave you
- Trust in God’s character as defender
You are not betraying your faith. You are not failing as a Christian. You are not dishonoring God. You are using the legal tools God provided to protect the life He gave you.
The same God who led Israel out of Egyptian bondage wants to lead you out of domestic bondage. The same God who broke Babylon’s chains wants to break your chains. The same God who delivered David from Saul’s violence wants to deliver you.
That restraining order isn’t a lack of faith; it just might be your “exodus” papers.
When Churches Become Egypt Instead of Exodus
To the pastors reading this: When you tell victims that protective orders are “un-Christian,” you don’t represent God; you represent Pharaoh. You’re not maintaining biblical standards; you’re maintaining systems of oppression.
Every time you:
- Discourage legal protection, and you enable violence
- File papers for abusers, you bear false witness
- Preach submission to violence, you preach another gospel
- Protect reputations over people; you worship idols
You have become Egypt, not exodus. You have become Babylon, not believers.
The Bottom Line
Here’s what faithful churches must understand:
- Restraining orders are walls of legal protection, and wise limitations are biblical
- Jesus maintained protective limitations from violent people
- Protection is not revenge—it’s wisdom
- Love doesn’t enable violence—it confronts it
- Churches that oppose protective orders oppose God’s protective heart
The next time someone seeks your counsel about getting a restraining order, remember: You’re not their Holy Spirit, you’re not their husband, and you’re certainly not their god. Stop playing all three.
Support them. Protect them. Help them access every available legal protection. That’s what shepherds do: they protect sheep from wolves, even if the wolves wear sheep’s clothing to church.
Especially then.
Words Matter: Refining the Conversation 